Jealousy … has it hit you yet?

You have probably been together with your partner for a while, maybe even decades like us. And at some point, when you started talking about venturing into the world of ethical non-monogamy, you may have whispered to each other about how hot it would be to see your partner with someone else, maybe even someone of the same sex, but you probably didn’t talk about jealousy. We never even thought about it.

As a sexy older couple you have probably not had to deal with sexual jealousy since probably when you first started dating. But this time it can be different. Jealousy has different faces and shows up in different situations.

You both are on the same page. You met a couple and had a chance to chat. The two of agreed that there was some attraction and decided to “go for it”. But wait! Suddenly, you see your partner in the “ throes of passion” with (an almost) stranger. You’re thinking “Why does he seem to be having so much fun? Why is she screaming? He never does that with me! She never reacts like that with me!”

These are all-natural jealousies.  And if you are going to continue your non-monogamous journey you need to take a step back. In the moment keep your uncomfortable feelings to yourself, avoid DRAMA at all costs. Save the talking until you and your partner are alone.  You need to realize that your partner’s play and reaction to it has nothing to do with you. All your playmates will play differently (that’s part of the fun) and your response to them will differ depending on their technique and the situation.  Think back to the time before you were a couple, and unless you were virgins when you met, you undoubtedly responded differently to your partners.  Now this is happening in front of each other.

We had an experience with a couple we had gotten to know very well before it evolved into some hot play. Our relationship was evolving with lots of teasing and sexual innuendos and the occasional kiss and grope. So when they invited us to spend a weekend with them in their country home we gladly accepted, and we have to say accepted with some excitement. We arrived Friday afternoon and after a delicious dinner at home the evening progressed to their hot tub and then to their bedroom. The next day we all slept in and just had a lazy day in town, dinner and then a repeat of the previous evening.  Everything seemed great. On our drive home the following morning we received a long e-mail from our hosts telling us how happy they were to host us and though the sex was great they decided that taking our friendship to that level was not right for them. We were flabbergasted to say the least.  For the remainder of our drive home we tried to analyze their e-mail and the weekend. We went from the peak of excitement to the pit of bewilderment.  Donna’s thought was that the husband who appeared to be “really into it” probably had a very hard time seeing his wife thoroughly enjoy herself with Alex. When we arrived home, we responded to them very politely and delicately that we understood and respected their feelings and we would leave it at that.  BTW, we have remained friends, but we have never mentioned or talked about “that” weekend again with them.

For many people this is not an unusual response. So, if it hits you like it hit our friends, take a deep breath, pour yourselves a couple of glasses of wine and start a conversation with your partner.  Lay it all out and discuss your feelings. And ask yourselves, have you gone about your play and play style in the right way? It’s ok to dial it back. If you were “full” maybe play “soft” for a while and see how you feel. But as we have said in earlier posts … communicate. FYI, for us, it is not just our physical enjoyment of the moment but the joy of watching the other play and gain enjoyment from their moment.

But there can also be another trigger for your jealousy … your playmates. For instance, you meet an amazing couple and totally connect on all levels … and the play is amazing.  And then you see them again at a party or a club, they say hi but are flirting and chatting with another couple. Or you try to set up another date and find that their “dance card” is full.  You think, “Hey what about us?” “We thought we had a connection. WTF?” You no longer feel special and are jealous that they are spending time with other couples. Your reaction is not uncommon in couples learning the ways of non-monogamy. Keep in mind that it is not about you. Many folks in the lifestyle are looking for variety. Some are looking for lots of different partners, others are looking for friends with benefits, and some are not looking for friends at all and less are looking for exclusive relationships.  Remember everyone is looking for something, but in reality it is all variations on a theme … sex with someone other than their steady partner. Don’t let jealousy get in the way of enjoying yourselves. You two will decide what is best for you and how you want to navigate and play in the lifestyle.

Again, jealousy is a normal human emotion. And since we are all human and we all have emotions it may hit you from time to time.  But don’t let it get the best of you because chances are you will be able to talk it through and work it out. But most importantly, discuss it and work it out in private. Don’t let it cause drama, especially in public. We have seen couples go ballistic on each other in public … talk about buzz kill. (also, drama can give you guys a bad reputation).

There are some couples who never get over their jealousy and obviously non-monogamy is not for them. But if you are like most couples you will find your groove and keep in mind that your groove changes over time. Remember, your mutual comfort level will give you the most fun and pleasure.


Donna & Alex

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