Rules. Wait, we need rules??

We asked towards the end of our last post whether you have discussed rules and boundaries. You’re probably wondering what are we talking about. Rules? Boundaries? The etiquette of the lifestyle is important, but for you to enjoy what will probably be an amazing and eye-opening journey you really have to have some ground rules for yourselves. So, here are our thoughts …

When you set a date, how well do really know the couple? If you have met them at a meet and greet or some other social gathering you may get to know a bit about them. But when you meet a couple online you usually know less. When we meet a couple online, we like to arrange a short FaceTime or Skype call to chat. Not only do we get to know them a bit more, but it also gives us a chance to see them as a couple and how they interact with each other. This also decreases the chance of a guy showing up solo for a date. Yes, it can happen.

So, you have a date set and you’re really excited, but have you given any thought as to whether you are going to play on the first date? Or, do you want to meet only for drinks or dinner, and then go home alone to give some thought to a future play date? Sometimes it is worth the wait. You can use that time for some sexy pillow talk between yourselves and a chance to discuss your feelings and possible anxieties.

Now that a play date is set, have you decided on a “code sign” or “code word” between yourselves? Code word? We are planning on having sex not espionage! So let us give you an example; you are out for drinks or dinner with a couple and they appear interested in you.  You would like to take it to the next level, but you are not sure how your partner feels about them. How do you communicate your interest to your partner? You can rub your partner’s leg signaling your interest or a squeeze of the thigh meaning let’s go home without them. That’s why we now always sit next to each other rather than across the table. But a physical sign may not work in a play space, but a code word or phrase would work. For example, you are engaged but want out, you can ask your partner to get you a beer when you are not a beer drinker. Your partner will know it’s time to go. It took us a few years to work this out and we still have gotten our wires crossed. And from those crossed wires we have funny and also not so funny stories …

Before your first date you really must discuss your “style of play.” Style? Yes, style. First off, are you “soft” or “full” swap. Soft swap? Full swap? What are we talking about? These two common terms refer to whether or not you will have “penis-in-vagina” or “PIV” sex. “Full” swap is where you have PIV and “soft” is where you will do anything but PIV. Whatever you decide, make sure that it is clear to your playmates.

Next up, will you play in the same room or separate rooms?  Yes, that is a question. There are some couples who like to play separately, for instance there are couples who play in the same venue but different rooms. Others, including ourselves, find it exciting to be in the same room and many times the same bed. We love the sights and sounds …

To kiss or not to kiss, that is the question! Some couples have a “no kissing” rule. We are not making this up. The “no kissing” couples say it is too intimate. Too intimate? We kiss, we love to kiss. We feel it’s a major part of foreplay and leads to so much more. So, what will you do?

Will you use condoms for PIV? For us, condoms are not a matter up for discussion. No condom, no PIV. End of conversation. And if you tell playmates that you are “full swap” make sure they know whether you expect them to use condoms or not. You don’t want any misunderstandings or awkward moments at an inappropriate time.

Your rules will probably change over time. They have for us. Don’t think of them as carved in stone for all eternity. As your play style evolves, and it will, so will your rules. Discuss them. Explore your boundaries and don’t be afraid to test them. It is all part of the journey.


Donna and Alex

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