You’re never too old to be a newbie …

That’s right, in the lifestyle you will find newbies of all ages. We continue to meet amazing couples our age who are new to the lifestyle. So don’t fret, you will find your tribe. But rather than age, more importantly you should be thinking about why you are considering embarking on this journey.  You’ve probably been married or are in a stable monogamous relationship for many years. What’s up? Kids out of the house and you want to sow some wild oats? Is it that you want to spice up your relationship? Do you think that you have lost your sexiness? Or you want to live out a fantasy? Is it one of you?  Or is it both of you?

First off, have both of you talked about this? Have you directly addressed the idea of sex outside of your relationship? Have you ever shared with each other your fantasies? Maybe one or both of you have had a threesome or a same sex experience in the past and you would like to try something like that again.  Have you talked about those experiences?  One benefit of discussing all of this with your partner is that it could lead to some really hot sex between the two of you! And, hopefully it will get you both on the same page. And being on the same page is key.

Being in the lifestyle takes some work. So now, how much do you really know about the lifestyle?  We don’t recommend learning about it from TV shows or some superficial magazine article but rather read some of the great blogs that are out there and listen to some really amazing podcasts. Do this together and discuss what you are learning. This may lead to more hot sex.  Anyway, by now you may have caught a theme here; communication. Couples who are successfully navigating and enjoying the lifestyle have an ongoing open dialogue about their experiences, wants and desires. Without that openness it does not work!

So now the two of you are BOTH eager (and a bit nervous) to hook-up with another couple. How do you do it? Like, where do you find these couples?

DO NOT dive headfirst into this scene … from our years of experience and from talking with dozens and dozens of couples, start with baby steps. You have to ease into it.

Ok, so how do you get started? At the risk of sounding like an ad for Desire, which this is not, (and for full disclosure we are Desire Premier members, have been to both Desire resorts and we do not receive any compensation for speaking so well of the resorts) a stay at a Desire resort may be your gateway to putting your toes into the water.

As we described in our last post we really learned about the LS at Desire. It is a friendly safe environment, with a very seductive atmosphere. It’s an environment where no means no and where fun and sexy guests are more than happy to answer your questions and act as your guide. It’s a bit of paradise, where you can shed your clothes, watch, be watched and possibly find the right couple to launch your adventure. But it comes at a price, a price that can thin your wallet.

A less expensive on-ramp is a “dating” website. There are a bunch of good ones. Some are well established such as SDC, SLS and Kasidie; others are newer and developing loyal members such as Double Date Nation. They all have geographic strengths and weaknesses. We are on a few of them. One has been pretty good for us locally and the others are for when we travel and also to follow groups that tend to meet-up on one or another site. 

Once you have chosen the site or sites that you like, join with a paid membership. By being a paid member, you can access additional features and also by paying you look more serious and committed. Many members block or pass over free members.

Okay so you’ve joined a site, now what? Here are some tips … pick an easy to remember screen name and then spend some time and write a good profile. This should definitely be a joint exercise.  Don’t be afraid to “steal” ideas from profiles that you like. Describe yourselves candidly. Don’t be too brief but remember you are not writing your autobiography. Don’t be afraid to say that you are newbies. People will actually read your profile, sometimes before they even look at your pictures.

And pictures … no pictures = no dates. If you do not want to show your faces that’s ok, you can keep face pictures locked away where access is under your control. If your face pictures are locked be prepared to open them when you reach out to a couple. Have pictures of both of you. And a good idea is a picture or two of the two of you together to show that you are a real couple.  Lots of folks make the mistake of only showing the woman. Whether your pictures are “G” or “R” rated let other couples see both of you. Oh, and don’t overdo the anatomical pics. A couple of her boobs and his dick are fine. But overdoing  the pics of your bits is not sexy, just saying. Pictures should be recent. Like really recent.  Not from last year or last decade. Nothing is worse than showing up to a date and the couple looks nothing like their pictures.

Once you are live on a site, root around and become familiar with its features. You will find some sort of calendar or schedule of local meet & greets and parties.  We suggest that you start by attending some meet & greets.  They are usually at a local bar or restaurant and are a no pressure way of meeting other couples.   

Now the journey begins …

XOXO,

Donna & Alex

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