If you are one of our regular readers, you would know that we have been on our ENM journey for many years. This journey has brought us extraordinary experiences and has given us the chance to meet and interact with some amazing people from all over the world. But since we set out on our journey we have changed as has the ENM lifestyle.
Let’s step back and think about how swinging started and to see how it has evolved. This may be apocryphal, but many of us have heard that swinging was born out of World War II. When naval officers and airmen were shipping out, they asked their buddies who were remaining behind to “look after their wives” … sounds plausible. After the war when everyone returned to civilian life this behavior continued very quietly and of course was not discussed in “proper company”. We all heard stories about key parties in suburbia, right? Could these stories really be true? Well, we may have unintentionally discovered some evidence to suggest that it is more than just stories. More about that discovery another time.
Have you wondered how likeminded couples met before dating sites, clubs and resorts? Doubtful that it was at church socials or a fire company’s pancake breakfast. The internet has made unimaginable changes to ENM. Back in the day, there were newspapers and magazines that ran classified ads aimed at swingers. You responded by mail to a PO box with a picture. It would take weeks to set up a date. It sounds crazy but that’s how it was done. We know a couple a who are bit older than us. While still newlyweds they found one of these magazines you know the ones filled with the classified ads, while cleaning up their first apartment. The ads piqued their curiosity and that started them on their ENM journey. So just think how the internet and digital photography really changed everything …
Now back to how we evolved and the changes we’re seeing around us.
If you recall, we embarked on our journey after a long-term poly relationship ended. Once we started to figure things out, we slowly sought to meet couples on a dating site, and we figured that if met a couple and we all clicked, we would “get down to business”. We never thought about becoming friends with them. Though we had (and still have) a great sex life, we just thought it would be hot to meet some sexy people and have sex with them. It was all about sex. And when we say sex, we’re talking about hot, sweaty, and full swap sex.
But as our ENM journey unfolded, things changed for us. Though we are full swap, for us penis-in-vagina or PIV sex is not the be all and end all. Now we can get together with friends with whom we have had amazing full swap play, and wind up having a lot of fun and very fulfilling soft swap play or sometimes no sex at all. Also, we now see ourselves as sapiosexuals. It is about getting to know a couple or a woman before we find ourselves in bed. We may not become best friends, but we have found that for the best play we must have a real connection. Remember the largest sex organ is between the ears.
We have also changed in other ways. For example, we always played together, now we occasionally give each other hall passes to play solo, something we never thought we would do.
Now some of our observations.
Sexual norms and play styles have changed over time. Practices that were once considered a no-go are now commonplace. Oral sex is a great example. For us and countless others, oral play is something greatly enjoyed and indulged in. But it’s our understanding that before our time oral play was not commonplace. It was somewhat of a fringe practice until the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Can you imagine a time without oral? Shudder the thought, but it’s true. An example of another change is that not long ago play involving that other hole was really, really fringe. It still may be off-limits to some, but we are seeing that more folks are finding it to their liking. So, things change.
A trend that we find very interesting is that couples, many of whom who have been in the lifestyle for a while are forming polyamorous relationships. Being poly, the common parlance of polyamory, is how we started in ENM, but back when we were in a polyquad it was not all that common (nor did we know what it was called). To us we were just two couples with a longstanding deep friendship who slept together. We thought it was normal and didn’t give the arrangement much thought, that is until it abruptly ended. It’s been years since it ended, but we still talk about it and wonder what happened. The hurt is still there. We came to realize that it was a relationship, not just a friendship. And, like when any relationship ends you eventually move on, and by moving on we started a next chapter in our ENM journey.
There are now so many poly couples in the lifestyle that the word “swolly” has spawned to describe these folks. The word is the combination of poly swingers. So, is this a trend or a new thing? Is ENM evolving? We know we are not the only ones reading about polyamory and noticing the mention of throuples in mainstream media. It has become a hot topic in the vanilla world. And it is not being discussed with snickers and snide comments like when the term “swinger” is used. Throuples are appearing in regular television programing. There was even an episode of House Hunters where a throuple was relocating and looking for a house that would work for them and their kids.
We don’t think this a fad but rather a sign that ENM is evolving into something that is entering the mainstream and is a lot more than swapping partners at a party or club. What could be pushing this evolutionary trend? Maybe it was the Covid pandemic, when people were grounded and just hung out with a small group of trusted friends? Some may have become the nucleus of a polycule. Or is it that people are getting tired of one-off dates and random hook-ups and for that matter the whole swinging scene? Is it a search for stability with deeper meaning and attachment combined with the realization and acceptance that you can be romantically and emotionally connected to more than one person?
We don’t have an answer, but we would love for you to tell us what you think?
XOXO,
Donna & Alex