If you are reading this you are probably like us, ethically non-monogamous and undoubtedly have heard or used the term the “Lifestyle.” This term is used so often that it is has become a label for those in the know and no one gives it much thought. We don’t like labels but with that said we have often used the moniker, The Lifestyle rather than “swinger.” But we have often wondered how the term “lifestyle” became synonymous with ENM. Aside from wondering about this label we also batted around the question if being ENM is really a lifestyle and for that matter what is a lifestyle?
So, it was time to do some research. Like all good internet sleuths our first stop was Wikipedia. Wiki sent us to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary which defined the word “lifestyle” as “the typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture”. The operative word in this definition is “typical”. Typical? What does that mean? Is there a typical form of ENM? Hardly, so if we were to rely on this definition then ENM would not be a lifestyle.
We went back to the Wikipedia which we thought was more illuminating than Merriam-Webster’s … “Lifestyle is the interests, opinions, behaviors, and behavioral orientations of an individual, group, or culture.”
If we go with this definition, then we are comfortable to say that ENM is a lifestyle. So, the Lifestyle is a lifestyle, but that begs the question what is The Lifestyle? If we go back for a second to the Merriam-Webster definition of lifestyle as a “… typical way of life …”. Then what is typical? ENM is a choice people make, but there is no “typical way” to practice non-monogamy.
Since there is no one way to practice non-monogamy, the Lifestyle umbrella is actually quite large. We think it is a lot more than, to use that old fashion term “swinging” or “swapping”? Don’t get us wrong, sex with people other than your partner can be fun, exciting and refreshing. It is for us, and for sure we are not alone. But for us the Lifestyle is more than just hot sex. It’s about socializing and getting to meet and know lots of interesting people from all over. It’s about great conversations, some of which can get quite deep. It’s about friendship and camaraderie. So, if we have to label ourselves then we are what some call social swingers, but in reality, we are sapiosexual. Physical attraction is very important but so is intellectual attraction. We are definitely not social snobs, and it is not to say that we don’t enjoy the occasional one-night stand at a club or party, but as we have said in the past “what’s between the ears is the important sexual organ.”
Everyone has their unique play dynamic. We have met couples who only play when they are a distance from their home or only while they are on vacation. Or those who, for instance don’t kiss or only play in separate rooms. It’s all part of the Lifestyle.
But are all ENM dynamics in the Lifestyle? If you are polyamorous, meaning having an emotional or romantic attachment to more than one partner but are not “swinging”, does that make you part of the Lifestyle or is being poly its own distinct lifestyle? Or if you are into BDSM or some form of kink where there is possibly physical contact, but no sexual play are you in the Lifestyle or again, are you in a different lifestyle? We think, based on the definition that we are using for the Lifestyle, then these are examples of lifestyles but distinctly different ones. Polyamorous folks tend so say that they are poly and use that as a label or people who are into BDSM but don’t swing tend to say that they are into kink or are a member of the kink community. Maybe we are wrong, but we think that when folks say they are in the Lifestyle they are referring to ENM or swinging.
Here’s another thought … is ENM something you do or is it your identity? Is it who you are? Think about it and let us know your thoughts.
XOXO,
Donna & Alex